It Takes a Village...

Eight years ago, our two sons came into our lives by way of foster care then adoption. The boys were 10 and 4 when we first met them and had already been though several foster homes before becoming part of our family. Both of the boys had their fair share of problems, mainly brought on by the neglect and abuse both had endured both with their biological parents and while in the foster care system. We love both boys with all our hearts but have run into some very difficult situations. I am writing this so that other communities can see and learn from our mistakes, because it really does take a village to raise a child to meet their full potential or to create just another village idiot.

Three days before my sons 17th birthday he ran away from home for the first time. He went to a friends house and stayed there for three days, before the police were able to locate him and bring him home. We tried to talk things through but things were never the same after that weekend. Our son ran away five more times that year, for various "reasons" and for varying amounts of time. I don't blame anyone for my sons poor decisions but had our church and community stood by us and with us as his parents I believe that things could have gone in a completely different direction.

The second time our son, Pedro, ran away he was gone a full 5 weeks. He moved around from couch to couch and stayed with who ever would take him and feed him. He was without a job of any kind so we knew that he was living off the charities of others. My son went from house to house telling people whatever they needed to hear in order for him to gain the most sympathy. We were physically abusive, mentally abusive or he had been kicked out of his home were some of his favorite tales. The thing that struck us as weird was that out of the 20 or so families he stayed with, only one parent had the intelligence to call us to find out what had really happened. Only that one parent gave us the benefit of the doubt and decided to do some digging before they allowed this angry teen to spend one more night in their home.

Pedro had been through more than any one person should ever have to go through, he was born addicted to heroine and methadone, he suffered years of physical and sexual abuse and the effects of neglect are too many to list. His biggest struggle was that he had been diagnosed with an attachment disorder two years after coming to live with us, at the time we had no idea how much that would effect and change the rest of our lives. Our son was a product of everything that had gone on in his young life but we believed that our love and protection would be able to overcome all of his obstacles.

Unfortunately, Pedro was a true product of the system; he had to learn from an early age how to manipulate those around him in order to get his needs met. He is a master manipulator and lying is his first nature, when you consider that he had to learn these abilities in order to survive you can see how empathetic we were to them. Our theory to fix these problems was two-fold: First, we would do everything in our power to meet and exceed all of his needs and second, to had to have rules in places so that he would begin to understand that actions, behaviors and words have consequences, both good and bad. We believed that if we could meet his needs and show him that his lies had consequences he would eventually learn that lying is not necessary and wrong but that never happened.

Most people in our community knew our boys and knew that they were adopted but my son was always able to conduct himself perfectly in front of people and was a bully at home, just ask his little brother. When my husband or I would go to the school for help we would be met with disbelief because he is such a great kid. At one point we even had the school guidance counselor tell us that our son was one of the most honest kids he had ever met and that he had never lied to him. Our son is great at sharing just enough true information to make you believe everything he is slinging.

I think it is also important to mention here that we never hit or spanked our son; we knew that due to his early abuse and neglect any physical discipline would be of little use and have no positive results. I am not saying that I am opposed to spanking; I am just opposed to spanking children with such horrific histories of abuse.

After our son had been gone two weeks we were hoping that our church, school and community would come along side us to work together in the best interest of our son; unfortunately, that is not at all what happened. Our son left home with no money, he had no job and no real interest in finding a job so we thought that it would only be a matter of time before he showed back up on our door hungry and looking for a good meal. We were hoping that the years we spent teaching him that he needs to work for a living, that he needs to support himself, that he needs to work for what he wants and that no one was going to give him a free handout would soon hit him in his tracks and he would learn that what we had tried to teach him weren't just arbitrary lectures but life lessons that would make him a self-sufficient young man.

Day after Day, week after week and family after family continued to take in our son, not one of them calling our house to ask what was happening or even if they could help to moderate a meeting between us. He lived on people’s charity and sympathy for weeks. Even the high school, where we were known to be very involved parents, never tried to make him to go home but instead gave him free lunch. Please understand that we don't believe anyone was out to undermine our parenting but the decisions they were making certainly did not help to get this teen age run away back home where he belonged. 

During the time he was away from the house our son had a yearly Individualized Education Plan meeting scheduled which always included us, his parents and we had never missed a meeting. We did not plan on missing this one but the day before the meeting we got a phone cal from the Assistant Principle saying that we would not be welcomed at his IEP meeting if we had any plan on bringing up personal home issues. We were allowed to attend as long as we didn't mention anything that was not school related as per our sons’ instructions. Stunned, we had no choice but to agree to these rules he was able to set up. The meeting took place the next day and we were not allowed to say much, although most of his academic problems that semester were because he was not at home where we could remind him to do homework or get him up for school on time. His school work suffered and as it was he failed every class that term and would have to repeat two of the mandatory classes.

That semester came and went and summer was in sight and we found out that although our son had never once filled out a job application, one of the families he was staying with brought him to the Welfare Office to apply for his welfare. This might not be a big deal to some families but it was to us because we tried our best to get our sons to stand on their own two feet. We tried to teach them not to rely on welfare like their biological family had become accustomed to doing. And now here we were learning that our son was at the Welfare Office, it was a smack in the face. No one out there was encouraging him to get a job but the offers to take him to the welfare office were abundant. At that time, our son was told that he was too young to apply for welfare but that he should go back in two months when he turned 18 years old.

Summer went by quickly but not without heartbreak and tears because at this point our son decided to go back to live with his biological family. That’s right; the same people who physically and sexually abused and neglected him and his brother were not being calling his real family or his true blood family. His biological mother should be in jail for the sexual abuse that she put my sons through and here he was living with them. Toward the end of the summer he told us that he still wanted to finish school so he might be coming back to the area to finish his senior year. He needed eight credits to graduate and we still hadn't learned that although he was our son in our hearts he was never our son in his own heart because we had hoped he would come home.

As his senior year began, we still had not heard from him so I tried to find out if he had enrolled in BerlinHigh School or not. I looked up his classes on Edline and found that he was given four classes, U.S. History, Band, Intro in Officiating and a study hall that he would get credit for if he behaved. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry...he was given Band, a kid who didn't know a C from a G? How could they give him a credit for band? He doesn't play an instrument or read music but the school was going to give him a credit for showing up everyday and keep the band members folders in order. And what the heck is Intro in Officiating? Apparently it is a class for kids who need an easy credit so they go over how to referee a soccer game. What about all the kids taking real classes’ everyday in order to receive their diploma? Why is everyone still catering to this angry rebellious teenager? We were told that New Hampshire wants a zero drop out rate, so the schools are doing whatever it takes to graduate every student...oh, that sounds fair to all the kids who actually took all their courses and did all their homework, tests and quizzes.

At this point, my son decided to enroll for his senior year in Massachusetts, where he was living with his true blood family. He started classes and soon learned that the people there were a lot more educated on kids like him, on their lies and manipulation techniques. Instead of catering to his every whim this school treated him like every other student and he quickly flunked out. It was only then that he decided to move back up north to Berlin to finish his schooling. His story when people asked was that the school in Massachusetts decided to put him in all honors classes and that is the reason why he flunked every class. The funny thing is that people up here in Berlin actually believed it. Let me take a minute to note that when a student gets put into an honors class, it is because they worked hard for that position. They had to prove themselves worthy of the honors class, a brand new transfer student with and IEP and educational delays would not be placed into an honors class...sorry to burst your bubble Berlin.

Now that Pedro is back up north, he plans to start the second semester and receive a New Hampshire High School Certificate. For those who don't know what that is, it is a way to graduate someone who is going to drop out even if they are up to 6 credits short. Now that my son is 18 years old he has also demanded that my husband and I receive no information on him or his grades and the school has to comply so we are left in the dark. I can only assume that his last semester will be as easy as it would have been had he started in September.

My question is this how is all this catering to a teen age runaway going to help him in life? Can't people see that by financially supporting him they are just creating the next generation of welfare recipients? The school is basically handing him his diploma regardless of the fact that he flunked his second semester of his junior year and never showed up for the first semester of his senior year. Somehow the school has made it so that regardless of the number of bad decisions this kid has made he is going to come through with no consequences.

As far as the other parents and church members in our community, I know that most of their handouts were given with nothing but good intentions but people really need to stop to realize that helping a kid in the short term rarely helps a kid in what they will need for life. Had people not taken him in, fed him, clothed him and encouraged him to apply for welfare I have no doubt that he would be home right now and legitimately finishing his senior year of high school. He would have learned that parents stick together for the good of the children and those parents are not as stupid and as easily manipulated as he believes. I want to challenge other parents out there not to be afraid to ask the hard questions when someone shows up on your door looking for a place to stay or something to eat. Ask that they call home or do the calling for them and take the extra minute to get the parents side of the situation. We as parents need to start sticking together for the good of the children.

My husband and I love our son and we still believe that he has the potential to do amazing things with his life; he is after all still just 18. I also need to say that while we tried our hardest, we have not been perfect parents to our sons, sometimes we were too strict and sometimes we were not strict enough. We made mistakes in our decisions, actions and attitudes but I can say that we tried our best. It is hard to raise a child and even harder to raise someone else’s child, which we are learning he will always be but in our hearts he is our son and we love him and only want the best for his life.

I can't tell you how many times I have been quoted the story of the Prodigal Son in the Bible. Allow me to give you the "Readers Digest" version; there is a son who decides he can make it on his own so he leaves his fathers house in search of freedom and pleasure. Later he learns that being away from home isn't all he thought it would be. He was poor and had nothing t eat and so he decided to go home. He was going to apologize to his father and ask that he be allowed to sleep with the pigs and get something to eat. The father, having compassion on his son, welcomed him home restoring his place in the family and the son had learned a very hard but valuable lesson. This is not the same outcome shared by my family, because here in Berlin, NH people undermined everything we had tried to teach our son. We had hoped at first for a reunion like the father shared with his prodigal but we soon realized that in today’s welfare system that would be highly unlikely.  The unfortunate reality is this: every time someone gave him a free meal or handed him a ten dollar bill, or took him into their home they significantly reduced the chances of a compassionate and joyful family reunion. 

I pray that we, as parents and communities would come together in the best interest of our children. Making the right decisions for these kids might not be the easy decision or the decision that will make us most popular but if we love our kids and want them to have the best future possible I ask for some help. I know that our son is 18 now and it is a little late to really help him they way that we could have when he first started rebelling, but for the next kid who shows up on our door looking for a place to stay let get in there and try to help. Let us all understand the blatant as well as the unconscious decisions that our actions are showing and teaching the next generation. Here in Berlin, NH, the church, the community and the school system all taught him that there will always be an easier way out if you just cause a little bit of trouble.

Is that the lesson we want our kids to learn today?